Can I Just Have a Simple Romantic Merger?

A proposal to seek out a more modern approach to partnering.

It has pained me to inform a person I am with — someone that I love — that I will never marry them. It hurt her and it hurt me. But, it is a fact of my outlook on life that I hold a personal philosophy that demands a skeptical (though not pessimistic) view of cultural institutions. I do not believe in living a life in which my actions are determined by what you are “supposed to do” — following unexamined and often blindly accepted cultural norms and religious ideals or mythos. I do believe in commitment. I believe in being rational and it is obvious that teams of people do better than individuals. I believe in the value of loyalty. But I will never get married. It saddens me that in at least one case, the idea of marriage was more important than my company. And that got me thinking that there must be a rational, modern option.

I come down in an odd spot compared to most when it comes to the right to marry in the US. Outside of freedom of speech and religion — the 1st amendment — I argue that it doesn’t exist. Because of the separation of church and state, the government has no right to license marriages, no business taxing couples differently from individuals, and no say in who can and can’t marry. None. I believe marriage is a solely religious institution and should remain so, and that churches can marry whomever (or whatever) they want or don’t want. It’s worth noting that even John Oliver has a church, so it’s a good bet that marriage would be pretty inclusive if only the law would get out of the way and mind its business. The idea that there are legal limits and caveats to marriage is, in my opinion, as silly as the government taking a census of the population of angels.

I also don’t understand why anyone would want to get married given the history of the institution, frankly. It exists as a relic of tribal peace settlements from agrarian societies amounting to trading goods (dowry/property) for women (property). I don’t understand why women haven’t revolted (more) against the idea of marriage. However, I also recognize that marriage as an institution has largely become secular and somewhat lost its teeth in many senses. In modern times it is little more than a gay† ritual in which people come together to celebrate a pledge of unity.

Then there’s the flip side of that happy celebration, which is divorce. And there is little question that divorce is often frustrating, demeaning, petty, and sad. Of course, as Louis C. K. was wise to point out, divorced people are actually happy people, because they weren’t happy for a long time in their marriage. In fact, the most rational thing that one could do in entering a marriage is recognize the probability of its failure and draw up prenuptial contracts — an act that is greatly frowned upon by a delusional society that pressures young people to believe that marriage must be forever. (I’ll skip the semantic argument about the word forever — suffice it to say no marriage lasts forever — cough — death)

So what other option is there? I don’t want to get married because I don’t like the institution’s history, I don’t like the government’s added interference in my life, I don’t believe its rational, I’m not religious, and I’m pretty certain its really a temporary state with a potentially painful ending anyway.

Interestingly, I have had a number of partners. And, like I felt inclined to do at many a party, when I introduced my partner, I will clarify by emphasizing business partner. Though, honestly, after a while, I felt like the clarification was homophobic in some fashion, and so I just stuck with partner. Let the person I’m speaking to figure it out for themselves. What do I care? Additionally, I have dissolved these partnerships; sometimes easily and sometimes not. But I can tell you this (and this is good business advice) if you start a business with a partner(s) have a partnership agreement set in stone. I have made the mistake of not doing this, I have seen others make this mistake, and the results are always bad — kind of like divorce. Why is it good advice to go into a business with a partnership agreement, but not good advice for marriage?

And anyway, why not just merge with your loved one and incorporate? I’ll pause for laughter, but I’m dead serious. There are numerous and excellent reasons to form an LLC with your loved one. For one, no one needs to take anyone else’s name: you are equal partners in Smith and Jones, LLC. Partnership agreements that explicitly state how property will be divided upon dissolution of the partnership are the norm, and can make for amicable parting. The relationship becomes an investment, with tax incentives and everything. I would love to hear an accountant’s opinion on what would constitute legitimate tax write-offs in such a situation. Maybe you and your significant other would like to form a non-profit and make charity central to your relationship?

I’m not joking. I think this is a reasonable, modern way to pledge allegiance to a loved one. And to those who think it lacks the romance, well, you’re just not being imaginative enough. The signing of a document can be done with grand ceremony and the reception at such an event would still have booze and cake and dancing. I hear corporate parties can be quite lavish. I think this option even incentivizes couples to invest as they grow a company through property or asset acquisitions; a holding company, if you will.

Look I am lose on details — this is spitballing here — I recognize that. There are merits to this idea, and (as I am sure it will be pointed out to me in the days to come) there are penalties and downsides to this idea. And I would like to hear those objections! My real quest here is to find a rational option to marriage (and civil union) because they lack rational ends. They were born of an agrarian society’s ideas and we’re a society with, you know, global communication devices in our pockets. I don’t want a conversation between me and someone I care about ending with me saying “I will never marry you.” Instead, I would look deep into her eyes and say, “but I think our merger would be very advantageous.”

†Yeah. Happy. Still means that.